Read “Self Pity” (Part 1)
She came back to visit
again.
I almost didn’t
recognize her this time
greeting me with hug and grin
so I let her in.
We laughed and cried
over bitter coffee
and charming stories
while I burned inside,
behind smiles and small talk
passing the day until Night
crept upon us again
and she leaned in
gently held my face
and said,
“Don’t you wish you were known
like I know you?
shown care and respect
like I show you?
visited and loved?
Oh, poor you,
it seems
you’re unlovable, unpleasing
a beast
look at them all leaving
saying they love you
while still a distance away
where you still seem tame
until threatened with the prospect
of passing time with you inside
the true you, your cage.
Oh, I truly weep for you
“Ogre!” I hear them
say of you
Tell me,
how do you maintain?”
I told her,
(while she scooted closer)
“I was wondering when…
when you might think to leave.
It’s getting late, you see
and time, it seems,
is wasting,
and I…
I don’t know,
I don’t think we should be…”
“—Oh, but cut to the chase,
you creep.
You know you are alone
without me
misunderstood
and if the world could
it would rather do
without you
Answer me!
What do you believe
is the point of you existing?”
By this time
she had my shoulders
pinned to the back
of my chair, creaking
ready to fall headlong
and her tears,
flying from eyes of lightning,
were nickel-sized
dropping with thunder
flooding the floors
below me…
“I…
please just stop this.
I see what you mean
but I’ve believed
your report before
and I,
I was left lifeless
it seemed
until He revived me
breathing grace in time
through truth
into me…”
“—And who is he,
this man?
Oh, don’t you know
(now she was cackling)
what happened
with the rest of them?
‘friends’
who said they cared
and took interest in you
just to…”
“—But it’s true!
It’s Truth!
His Words are different
perfect, set
proven, pure
a surety for me
revealing an anchor of hope
keeping me steady when
this flood of regrets
and depression
rush in.
And you know what He told me?”
“Oh,
save it for someone
who enjoys fairy tales,
little princess
but I,
I am a realist
really recognizing what it really is:
you,
and this is the Truth,
you are hated.
Consider the faces
of the ones you
opened up to,
they are either gone
or frowning down upon you
wishing they never met you.”
“Oh,
shut it now
with your dressed-up deceit!
You multiply kisses
just to smother me
with thoughts of me,
my worst enemy.
You view me with regard
too light, though,
it seems you delight
to stalk me.
See:
you are right
when you say I’m unlovable
and a creep,
perverse, a beast cursed
to destroy everyone around me,
a worm, a leech thirsty
to suck the life out of these “friends”
indeed,
sweat pours from my pores
with perverse idolatry and blasphemies,
you are right.
But your indictment
is not enough to describe me, try again
and when they treat me with contempt
it is actually better than my condition has
prescribed for me…
because I was born more than beastly
in me rages passions more unnatural
than what even beasts dare to seek,
and they do merely what they were made to do,
it is “I” and “me”
who refuse to be
what we were created to be like
Who we once used to see,
unveiled and Beautiful,
So an ogre? No,
I am much more deformed
for our former glory was greater
and now I feast on things worse than feces,
then blame everyone around me
for all my spewing…”
“You are…wait, what?
Are you kidding me?
Because, seriously
(now she stood with spread feet
and hands on hips)
you are not those
horrible things.
What have you been reading?
Worse than a worm
you claim to be,
but I’m telling you
you deserve some respect
some affirmation from them
you haven’t lost all dignity!
Fight for your rights!”
“Agreed, there’s dignity
But I can now die to these rights
along with the old me
I no longer need to strive
to save my shattered reputation with man,
even with these “friends,”
because He,
He became my sin for me
and I,
I now am His righteousness
His perfect life of love is mine
and I am His.
So even though
I know little
of the depths of my depravity,
He set His covenant love upon me
and proved its sufficiency
at the cross and tomb left empty
to deliver me from His just wrath
and rescue me from me,
from you,
Self-Pity…”
“Why,
how dare…
that is NOT my name!
I am your friend
and I have remained
faithful to you
since you were a babe
and I…”
“Oh, but you can know someone better
whom you’ve known for time less.
Plus, He’s known me
since before the earth was birthed
loves me with a love timeless.
You don’t know this kind of grace
because all you do is look to me,
but please!
I am no longer me…”
“—Ha!
What ill logic!
Riddle me this:
how can you
not be you,
which means,
how can you
not be me?”
“It’s a divine mystery
hidden until recently
that Christ,
the Second Person of the Trinity,
should see fit,
through His Spirit sent,
to dwell in me
changing my name
from “Self-Seeking”
to “His.”
Him in me, and I
am hidden in Him
united to my righteousness
who reigns in Heaven,
interceding for me now,
though I invited you in
again
to my near demise
But for His faithfulness
to me,
to keep me from utter
self-destruction
the desecration of His great Name.
You see, He…
hello?”
I looked around
for even her shadow’s hint
but she must have
slipped out of the house
again.
