Written on 10/17/12 in a recent season of a dark night of my soul.

Inspired by Dinah’s song feat. In-Him entitled “Deliver Me“.

How long will these tears be my night’s portion?

You promise to fill me, yet

I cry to You and it seems

You delay deliverance.

I hear Your songs,

but my lips are locked

heart languished

I can’t lift my hands

silence

overcomes my soul

feeling abandoned and broken

beyond repair.

Why won’t You deliver me?

Have You forgotten me?

Why do I still hear the screams of these

lies and fears

louder than Your voice?

I’m immobilized,
 again.

Surely You didn’t die

for me to
 drown in despair.

It feels like every promise You’ve made

is no longer sure, 
not for me.

Forgive my unbelief!

I want my circumstances to change,

instead of wanting You alone.

I wish for death in my heart

and sometimes on my lips

almost every day

I am free-falling from the cliff

every night,

and it seems

my only expectation is to be

dashed upon these jagged rocks

awaiting me.

Don’t You delight in me?

I thought You said

You wouldn’t let my enemies

shout in victory over me.

Yet I can’t open my mouth to utter a prayer

to the God of my salvation.

I curl up, fetal position, fatal

I am worthless and I wish I were never created,

because my mind is the worst state

I could ever live in

and I can’t escape.

I just want out.

I want out.

I can’t make it.

Take me out, please,

or display Your lovingkindness

by delivering me,

but don’t let me continue like this.

Please

DELIVER ME

Deliver me,

Please

Deliver me,

Save me from my myself!

Speak to my soul,

Say You have me in Your hand, unpluckable

Say You will revive me again,
 joy inexpressible

Tell this distressed soul
 that

You have dealt bountifully with me,

and I will be able to rest

And I will call on Your name again.

But for now,
 I’m crushed,

confused,

frustrated,

angry even,

that I can’t feel You,

that I am so heavily surrounded by these enemies,

demons, oppressing me with lies

And my heart so deep in its idolatry

that I am Samson with eyes plucked, blind

captured by the one who hates me, deceived

And my lust for all but You led me here, guilty

But You destroyed his enemies

when he cried out that last time to You, faithful,

who yet ended him and his enemies simultaneously

Perhaps You will do the same with me?

Or maybe I am Saul, gifted

so much potential in the eyes of Your people,

admired
 only to forsake dependence, pride

and be driven mad to turn upon

the one after Your own heart, insanity

maybe I too will end as he did,
 shamefully,

suicidally.

I don’t see the difference between them and me,

from Dinah’s enemies to Judas

and every reprobate in between.

So deliver me
 from the hands of my enemies,

from the fear that’s taking over me,

from this natural urge to fall away.

Deliver me,

Please!

I hate what I see in me

Fix my gaze on the Deliverer,

delivered over for every last sin

I will ever commit.

Deliver me!