Read “Self Pity” (Part 1)

She came back to visit

again.

I almost didn’t

recognize her this time

greeting me with hug and grin

so I let her in.

We laughed and cried

over bitter coffee

and charming stories

while I burned inside,

behind smiles and small talk

passing the day until Night

crept upon us again

and she leaned in

gently held my face

and said,

“Don’t you wish you were known

like I know you?

shown care and respect

like I show you?

visited and loved?

Oh, poor you,

it seems

you’re unlovable, unpleasing

a beast

look at them all leaving

saying they love you

while still a distance away

where you still seem tame

until threatened with the prospect

of passing time with you inside

the true you, your cage.

Oh, I truly weep for you

“Ogre!” I hear them

say of you

Tell me,

how do you maintain?”

 

I told her,

(while she scooted closer)

“I was wondering when…

when you might think to leave.

It’s getting late, you see

and time, it seems,

is wasting,

and I…

I don’t know,

I don’t think we should be…”

 

“—Oh, but cut to the chase,

you creep.

You know you are alone

without me

misunderstood

and if the world could

it would rather do

without you

Answer me!

What do you believe

is the point of you existing?”

 

By this time

she had my shoulders

pinned to the back

of my chair, creaking

ready to fall headlong

and her tears,

flying from eyes of lightning,

were nickel-sized

dropping with thunder

flooding the floors

below me…

“I…

please just stop this.

I see what you mean

but I’ve believed

your report before

and I,

I was left lifeless

it seemed

until He revived me

breathing grace in time

through truth

into me…”

 

“—And who is he,

this man?

Oh, don’t you know

(now she was cackling)

what happened

with the rest of them?

‘friends’

who said they cared

and took interest in you

just to…”

 

“—But it’s true!

It’s Truth!

His Words are different

perfect, set

proven, pure

a surety for me

revealing an anchor of hope

keeping me steady when

this flood of regrets

and depression

rush in.

And you know what He told me?”

 

“Oh,

save it for someone

who enjoys fairy tales,

little princess

but I,

I am a realist

really recognizing what it really is:

you,

and this is the Truth,

you are hated.

Consider the faces

of the ones you

opened up to,

they are either gone

or frowning down upon you

wishing they never met you.”

 

“Oh,

shut it now

with your dressed-up deceit!

You multiply kisses

just to smother me

with thoughts of me,

my worst enemy.

You view me with regard

too light, though,

it seems you delight

to stalk me.

See:

you are right

when you say I’m unlovable

and a creep,

perverse, a beast cursed

to destroy everyone around me,

a worm, a leech thirsty

to suck the life out of these “friends

indeed,

sweat pours from my pores

with perverse idolatry and blasphemies,

you are right.

But your indictment

is not enough to describe me, try again

and when they treat me with contempt

it is actually better than my condition has

prescribed for me…

because I was born more than beastly

in me rages passions more unnatural

than what even beasts dare to seek,

and they do merely what they were made to do,

it is “I” and “me”

who refuse to be

what we were created to be like

Who we once used to see,

unveiled and Beautiful,

So an ogre? No,

I am much more deformed

for our former glory was greater

and now I feast on things worse than feces,

then blame everyone around me

for all my spewing…”

 

“You are…wait, what?

Are you kidding me?

Because, seriously

(now she stood with spread feet

and hands on hips)

you are not those

horrible things.

What have you been reading?

Worse than a worm

you claim to be,

but I’m telling you

you deserve some respect

some affirmation from them

you haven’t lost all dignity!

Fight for your rights!”

 

“Agreed, there’s dignity

But I can now die to these rights

along with the old me

I no longer need to strive

to save my shattered reputation with man,

even with these “friends,”

because He,

He became my sin for me

and I,

I now am His righteousness

His perfect life of love is mine

and I am His.

So even though

I know little

of the depths of my depravity,

He set His covenant love upon me

and proved its sufficiency

at the cross and tomb left empty

to deliver me from His just wrath

and rescue me from me,

from you,

Self-Pity…”

 

“Why,

how dare…

that is NOT my name!

I am your friend

and I have remained

faithful to you

since you were a babe

and I…”

 

“Oh, but you can know someone better

whom you’ve known for time less.

Plus, He’s known me

since before the earth was birthed

loves me with a love timeless.

You don’t know this kind of grace

because all you do is look to me,

but please!

I am no longer me…”

 

“—Ha!

What ill logic!

Riddle me this:

how can you

not be you,

which means,

how can you

not be me?”

 

“It’s a divine mystery

hidden until recently

that Christ,

the Second Person of the Trinity,

should see fit,

through His Spirit sent,

to dwell in me

changing my name

from “Self-Seeking”

to “His.”

Him in me, and I

am hidden in Him

united to my righteousness

who reigns in Heaven,

interceding for me now,

though I invited you in

again

to my near demise

But for His faithfulness

to me,

to keep me from utter

self-destruction

the desecration of His great Name.

You see, He…

hello?”

 

I looked around

for even her shadow’s hint

but she must have

slipped out of the house

again.