Snowflakes (Nehemiah 9-10)
By: Quina
I fear my last breath will be filled with regrets
on this deathbed
lying next
to idols I chose over You
left
empty and excuseless
My heart is weaker than
a dried leaf
I crumble and think
of Your past and present faithfulness to me
and I am baffled by my unbelief
this senseless
response to pressure and stress
Even these
precious and pure
snowflakes
fluttering down from
Your hand above
to mine below
unique, glimmering
necessarily temporary
crafted to make me smile
and sing with
greater praise to You…
I see them and
run inside, and
tell myself I will get
cold and wet
run inside,
it seems safer, yet
Love is
pleasure and pain
and I run as
an escape with my lusts
promising me just pleasure, but
leading me to this deathbed
and I feel the depression set in
pressing upon my soul
for I’ve
locked myself in this room with
suicidal ambitions
fueled by lies
I’ve heard in my heart, believed, and repeated until
it seems they’ve become a part of me—
“You will
never be understood, so
silence will save you
from more pain.”
“There’s no
deliverance
for pits this deep, which
you have dug for yourself.”
And,
“You are alone.”—
and I crawl toward
shadows in this room
cast only
by undeniable beams of light,
Your continued mercy,
shining through the window
where I still see
those snowflakes
You are
still pursuing me…
But I am
unable to comprehend
these depraved shadows in my mind
much less articulate a confession
when
my sins have reached the heavens
So I
close my mouth, and
pride freezes me from the inside
This warm house was a delusion
stupid lies
embrace of insanity
running
from my cross to bear
when
You offer me
life in exchange for my worthless tries
at breathing in this room, suffocating
Ashamed,
I
cannot run from You, yet
before You I cannot stand.
When
I reach to close those blinds
upon the window, so as
to dwell in despair
with darkness all around me,
a shadow You cast
from behind me
startling
it reaches around my arms,
horizontal beams,
then the rest of me is covered, a
vertical beam,
and I am left to gaze
trembling
at the cross You bore for me
there on it
is nailed all my iniquities
and before it
I weep,
and confess,
“You are a God ready to forgive
merciful and gracious
abounding in
steadfast love
You will never give me up
You keep covenant,
Righteous One,
You have dealt faithfully
and I so wickedly,
Yet in this room
You have refused to grant me rest
Only to meet me in my misery
to hear my cry of distress
and answer me with Your sure salvation
so I might run
outside into the snow
finding warmth in Your fellowship—
this cross on my back.
I mind not
getting wet, soaked even
by trials and daily death
if my heart is on fire
and I can feel You again…”
Snowflakes will fall and melt at Your will
Still, I’ll take Your path:
Death to self for life You will resurrect
instead of a life preserved for regrets
on this deathbed.
