Written on 10/17/12 in a recent season of a dark night of my soul.
Inspired by Dinah’s song feat. In-Him entitled “Deliver Me“.
How long will these tears be my night’s portion?
You promise to fill me, yet
I cry to You and it seems
You delay deliverance.
I hear Your songs,
but my lips are locked
I can’t lift my hands
overcomes my soul
feeling abandoned and broken
Why won’t You deliver me?
Have You forgotten me?
Why do I still hear the screams of these
lies and fears
louder than Your voice?
I’m immobilized, again.
Surely You didn’t die
for me to drown in despair.
It feels like every promise You’ve made
is no longer sure, not for me.
Forgive my unbelief!
I want my circumstances to change,
instead of wanting You alone.
I wish for death in my heart
and sometimes on my lips
almost every day
I am free-falling from the cliff
and it seems
my only expectation is to be
dashed upon these jagged rocks
Don’t You delight in me?
I thought You said
You wouldn’t let my enemies
shout in victory over me.
Yet I can’t open my mouth to utter a prayer
to the God of my salvation.
I curl up, fetal position, fatal
I am worthless and I wish I were never created,
because my mind is the worst state
I could ever live in
and I can’t escape.
I just want out.
I want out.
I can’t make it.
Take me out, please,
or display Your lovingkindness
by delivering me,
but don’t let me continue like this.
Save me from my myself!
Speak to my soul,
Say You have me in Your hand, unpluckable
Say You will revive me again, joy inexpressible
Tell this distressed soul that
You have dealt bountifully with me,
and I will be able to rest
And I will call on Your name again.
But for now, I’m crushed,
that I can’t feel You,
that I am so heavily surrounded by these enemies,
demons, oppressing me with lies
And my heart so deep in its idolatry
that I am Samson with eyes plucked, blind
captured by the one who hates me, deceived
And my lust for all but You led me here, guilty
But You destroyed his enemies
when he cried out that last time to You, faithful,
who yet ended him and his enemies simultaneously
Perhaps You will do the same with me?
Or maybe I am Saul, gifted
so much potential in the eyes of Your people,
admired only to forsake dependence, pride
and be driven mad to turn upon
the one after Your own heart, insanity
maybe I too will end as he did, shamefully,
I don’t see the difference between them and me,
from Dinah’s enemies to Judas
and every reprobate in between.
So deliver me from the hands of my enemies,
from the fear that’s taking over me,
from this natural urge to fall away.
I hate what I see in me
Fix my gaze on the Deliverer,
delivered over for every last sin
I will ever commit.