Jon and I have gained so much from our church’s marriage class. Here are a few notes from one of the recent classes on conflict…

Ground Rules for Conflict

1) No violence/threats/ultimatums/manipulation/breaking things

2) No weaponizing the Bible (if it’s going AT them and not FOR them, don’t do it)

3) Just because I hurt, doesn’t mean it’s your fault.

4) No leaving

5) Be honest – not brutal (if one of us has a problem, WE have a problem)

6) Keep it present – no absolutes (never/always)
“I’m upset about what just now happened (not what you did 3 weeks ago).”
Don’t bring up stuff you have committed to forgive

7) “True, but not helpful”

8) No fighting dirty (no name calling / referencing parents) (sarcasm) (joking but serious) (passive aggression) (agreeing so the argument can be over)
Communication Rules

1) Tell the truth

2) Become visible – honesty/transparency is not the same as intimate –

Men’s emotions: MAD / SAD / GLAD (husband say, “I don’t know how I’m feeling. Will you help me?” (Wives, help your husband when he admits that he doesn’t know to identify how he feels)

3) Match words and emotions

4) Deal with your heart – don’t say “I didn’t mean that” because you did mean it. “I didn’t even know that was in my heart, but it is and I’m sorry. Let’s deal with it.”